Last week I went to the dentist for a cleaning. I happen to love the dentist, I've had one cavity in my life and I brush my teeth a lot, so I rarely find myself going into a dentist appointment with that "I really hope I don't have a cavity this time" feeling. I love the feeling of having super clean teeth after and I always love my interaction with the dentist. My dentist is awesome, he comes over to me at the end, cool as ice, he asks me how my life is, he takes a quick look, asks how the family is, and we all move on with our lives. However, time and time again, I want to kill the dental hygienist.
My first issue with dental hygienists is their air of oral superiority and subtle judgmental tone. They always have the most god damn it ultra white teeth. We're talking like every dental procedure under the sun has been performed on their mouth. My personal favorite is the hygienist with the "adult" braces. Lady, you're in your 40's, you're married, you have kids, I promise whatever bit of crookedness you had for most of your life is a far better look than the ceramic braces. There is no way that slightly straightening your teeth is worth the pain of having braces for a couple of years or constantly looking like you've eaten too much rice pudding.
Anyway, so brace face starts in on my teeth and right away she hits me with the "you have a bit of staining down here, do you drink a lot of coffee or smoke?" What the fuck woman! I've told you a million times I don't smoke and I know drinking coffee stains teeth. What would she have me do here? Should I live the Mormon lifestyle? Should I drink my coffee through a straw? Don't judge my caffeine addiction you god damn oral saint. Then she starts in on the excessive flossing bullshit. I floss, I keep those little floss pick things in my desk at work, but this woman's standard of flossing is completely out of whack. She comes across with that assuming tone and says things like "you should always take 10 minutes in the morning and night to really floss well." Really? 10 minutes? Twice a day no matter what? I'm 24 years old, do you see me coming home from a night of heavy boozing, making moves to pass out face down, and all of a sudden b-lining to the bathroom to floss for a full ten minutes?! This is just an unattainable goal. From now on, I'm just going to do what Presidents do with regards to energy and environmental issues and set ridiculous goals to be achieved 20 years after their term. "Today, I make a pledge, to be on a 2 a day flossing regimen by 2024."
My second gripe with dental hygienists is their incessant need to force conversation while they have instruments in your mouth. I get it, they want to interact with their patients, it's boring if it's silent yada yada yada, but frankly its ridiculous. Stop asking me questions! I cant speak because you have your pirate hooks ripping through my teeth. Don't stop the cleaning to hear my answer, its not important where I live in the city or how my job is or whatever meaningless banter you're trying to engage in. Beardown, focus, clean my teeth, and we can chit chat at a time where my saliva isn't being sucked out of my mouth by "Mr. Thirsty."
Dental Hygienists, please stop talking to me, do your job, let me get back to work, and hit my teeth more often with that water/air gun, that shit feels great. God Damn It.
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