God Damn It Person of the Day Follow Up - Did I just agree with Andy Roney?

 

Does anyone else think that something shady is going on with Girl Scout Cookies?  Where is all this money going to? The Girl Scouts sell approximately 200 million boxes of cookies a year, at $3-$4 a box.  That is a ton of revenue and they have a massive child labor force to whom they pay nothing.  Think about the profits!

I can't help but picture some gigantic fat lady just sitting in some corner office crushing Tag-Alongs while 9 year old Brownies wait on her hand and foot like she's Jabba the Hut.  Meanwhile, downstairs there's probably some thick lady from Bavaria just training girl scouts to be as cute as possible and sell more Samoas to feed this cash machine.  Do the girl scouts themselves see a dime of this money?  It can't be all going to these programs, after all, how much does it cost to rent out a church basement and buy some construction paper to make a diorama?  I'll bet there's some evil Boy Scout leader just waiting on the other end for his cut, out there somewhere in the woods with a Gaddafi-style luxury tent set up, carving Ferraris out of logs with 24 karat gold Swiss army knives.  If I somehow turn up dead at a pristine camp site somewhere in upstate New York, you will know I was right about this.

In searching for some further color on this cookie conspiracy I stumbled onto Andy Rooney's Girl Scout Cookie Segment from 60 minutes.  I have to say I think I agree with the old lunatic.  Sure, he's good for a couple of classic pointless Rooneyisms like, "I like peanut butter and I like cookies, but I've never liked peanut butter cookies," but the man makes some solid points.  It's almost as if his over-the-top grumpiness has actually served a purpose for once.  These cookies are mass produced by cookie corporations, bought in bulk and sold at a mark-up by the Girl Scouts, making the Scouts essentially glorified retail merchants with pigtails.  No chance they're paying taxes on this stuff either.  What ever happened to the good old days of the local bake sale?  Oh shit, that was me who just wrote that, not Andy Rooney.  God Damn It. 

PS - These girl scout cookies are just about the least healthy thing ever.  Thank you Girl Scouts for feeding America's obesity epidemic and helping increase my share of US health care costs.  Stick to sewing badges on that green sash and leave the cookies to the Keebler elves, those guys cook with straight up magic and rainbows.

God Damn It Person of The Day - Dental Hygienists

Last week I went to the dentist for a cleaning.  I happen to love the dentist, I've had one cavity in my life and I brush my teeth a lot, so I rarely find myself going into a dentist appointment with that "I really hope I don't have a cavity this time" feeling.  I love the feeling of having super clean teeth after and I always love my interaction with the dentist.  My dentist is awesome, he comes over to me at the end, cool as ice, he asks me how my life is, he takes a quick look, asks how the family is, and we all move on with our lives.  However, time and time again, I want to kill the dental hygienist.

My first issue with dental hygienists is their air of oral superiority and subtle judgmental tone.  They always have the most god damn it ultra white teeth.  We're talking like every dental procedure under the sun has been performed on their mouth.  My personal favorite is the hygienist with the "adult" braces.  Lady, you're in your 40's, you're married, you have kids, I promise whatever bit of crookedness you had for most of your life is a far better look than the ceramic braces.  There is no way that slightly straightening your teeth is worth the pain of having braces for a couple of years or constantly looking like you've eaten too much rice pudding.

Anyway, so brace face starts in on my teeth and right away she hits me with the "you have a bit of staining down here, do you drink a lot of coffee or smoke?"  What the fuck woman! I've told you a million times I don't smoke and I know drinking coffee stains teeth.  What would she have me do here?  Should I live the Mormon lifestyle?  Should I drink my coffee through a straw?  Don't judge my caffeine addiction you god damn oral saint.  Then she starts in on the excessive flossing bullshit.  I floss, I keep those little floss pick things in my desk at work, but this woman's standard of flossing is completely out of whack.  She comes across with that assuming tone and says things like "you should always take 10 minutes in the morning and night to really floss well."  Really? 10 minutes? Twice a day no matter what?  I'm 24 years old, do you see me coming home from a night of heavy boozing, making moves to pass out face down, and all of a sudden b-lining to the bathroom to floss for a full ten minutes?!  This is just an unattainable goal.  From now on, I'm just going to do what Presidents do with regards to energy and environmental issues and set ridiculous goals to be achieved 20 years after their term.  "Today, I make a pledge, to be on a 2 a day flossing regimen by 2024."

My second gripe with dental hygienists is their incessant need to force conversation while they have instruments in your mouth.  I get it, they want to interact with their patients, it's boring if it's silent yada yada yada, but frankly its ridiculous.  Stop asking me questions! I cant speak because you have your pirate hooks ripping through my teeth.  Don't stop the cleaning to hear my answer, its not important where I live in the city or how my job is or whatever meaningless banter you're trying to engage in.  Beardown, focus, clean my teeth, and we can chit chat at a time where my saliva isn't being sucked out of my mouth by "Mr. Thirsty."  

Dental Hygienists, please stop talking to me, do your job, let me get back to work, and hit my teeth more often with that water/air gun, that shit feels great. God Damn It. 

  

God Damn It Person of the Day - New York Liberty Guard Cappie Pondexter

ESPN - New York Liberty guard Cappie Pondexter has apologized after causing an Internet uproar with comments on her Twitter account that were deemed insensitive toward victims of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami. On Saturday, Pondexter tweeted: "What if God was tired of the way they treated their own people in there own country! Idk guys he makes no mistakes." She later tweeted: "u just never knw! They did pearl harbor so u can't expect anything less." Pondexter also used used the racially derogatory term "jap," when referring to someone who was offended by her comments.  "I wanna apologize to anyone I may hurt or offended during this tragic time," the tweet said. "I didn't realize that my words could be interpreted in the manner which they were. People that knw me would tell u 1st hand I'm a very spiritual person and believe that everything, even disasters happen 4 a reason and that God will shouldn't be questioned but this is a very sensitive subject at a very tragic time and I shouldn't even have given a reason for the choice of words I used.

Cappie really holds a grudge huh?  I guess after 70 years and 2 nuclear bombs she thinks we need a Tsunami to really remind the Japanese what happens when you fuck with the United States.  Cappie, I'm still pretty angry at the Germans because they "did the Holocaust," can your boy God maybe send some tornadoes to Munich or something for me? Can you ask him to go old school this time and send Locusts or Boils to Berlin?   I mean, "you can't expect anything less" right?  It has to be greater than or equal to a tsunami, that's the scale, and "God's will shouldn't be questioned."

I do have to say though she is absolutely right about the whole "God was tired of the way they treated [their] own people in their own country," thing.  If nobody is going to stop the Japanese government from providing universal health care and world-leading public transportation systems then God has no choice but to start casually sending in tidal waves and earthquakes right?  He's only missed the last two or three hundred opportunities to stop oppressive governments, he'll be damned if hes gonna mess this one up!  Hey Libya, hide ya kidz, hide ya wives, because God is tidal-waving oppressive governments up in here.


Sarcasm aside, there are few things I hate more than when religious nut-jobs use the old "everything happens for a reason" and "he makes no mistakes" as the catch-all excuse for the fallibility of their deity.  Everything happens for a reason?  Really?  I ordered a sandwich the other day and the guy behind the counter used honey mustard in lieu of regular mustard and messed up my entire sandwich balance.  It ruined my entire lunch.  Did that happen for a reason?

Hey Cappie, you're a role model to millions hundreds of young WNBA fans, how about you focus on improving your grammar skills and leave the theology to the scholars and the clergy.  God damn it those were some stupid tweets.


PS - Doesn't Cappie Pondexter look like veteran character actor Steve Harris?

God Damn It Person of the Day - Me for not responding faster to Nick Mangold

You see what happened there?  This guy @NewFunPlague beat me by a matter of minutes.  He didn't even think of an interesting response, he just responded with "dibs".  I'm reeling from defeat over here.  I was so close!  Shouldn't this decision be based on more than who sees a blinking light on their phone first?!

Do you know how awesome having Nick Mangold follow me on twitter would have been?  That's basically half a step from the sideline.  I have to believe that if I respond faster here, and get Mangold following, I'm knocking back beers with Nick, Rex and the Lombardi trophy around this time next year at the latest. 

Flash forward to March 2012 and we're drinking at a hotel bar in Hawaii. Mangold wasn't allowed to go the pro-bowl back in February since he was playing in the Superbowl so he decided to plan a nice trip with some friends and teammates.  After a couple of rounds of drinks, we head to the beach with Rex to toss around a football.  Its a loose vibe, and we're joking about the fact that we once called Mark Sanchez's jewelry "effeminate" and now we're all wearing Superbowl rings.  As we share a good laugh, Sanchez emerges from the hotel and gives Rex a noogie for making fun of him.  We're thrilled to see the Superbowl MVP in the flesh, and he and I discuss how his ex-girlfriend Jaime-Lynn Sigler lived across the street from my friend Resnik growing up, and how small of a world it is.  Things are beginning to pick up like the volleyball scene from Top Gun, only without the homo-erotic undertones and excessive flexing. 

Rex suggests we grab a few people and get a game of beach football going. "Its never too early to prepare for next season" he suggests, "and I know for damn sure that Belichek is out there preparing."  All of a sudden, as if on cue, Hansel's theme song from Zoolander begins to blare over the speakers and around the corner comes Tom Brady.  He's wearing a special edition Christian Dior-designed silk Patriots jersey with Uggs moccassins and his hair is slicked back into a headband making him look sort of like Louis Scola.  Behind him are Devin Mcourty, Logan Mankins, and Wes Welker.  "Did someone say, Bélécheque?" Brady exclaims.  He's speaking in a french accent and I surmise it must be part of his whole "euro thing."

I look to Rex and I can see he's aching for a fight.  "I said it you pansy, and I see you brought that pipsqueak Welker with you," Rex yells.  "You're looking taller than usual Wes," he says, "are those lifts in your sneakers?"  I know Rex has wanted to personally beat the crap out of Wes Welker since the whole foot thing, and there are no cameras or league commissioners in sight.  Rex is chomping at the bit, consumed by the chance to defend his wife's honor with his fists.  "Eassyyyy Rex, easy," says Mangold as he holds him back.  Sensing the rising tension, I suggest we cool it down by taking out our anger on the field like true warriors.  Welker, Makins and McCourty agree but Brady says he can't play because "he has to go to a pottery class with his wife."

"I bet Peyton would play," retorts Rex.  He's struck a chord and Brady is visibly shaken, but he perks back up and indignantly declares, "that ad-whore doesn't hold a candle to me, give me the damn ball."  A legendary game of 4 on 4 ensues.  The Jets affiliated-team composed of an All-Pro center, an All-Pro QB, an overweight coach and myself, the civilian, is installed as 3 touchdown underdogs.  But out we come, possessed with the spirit of Joe Namath and the will of a blooming flower on the Alaskan tundra.  Bodies are flying everywhere and by now a small crowd has gathered to watch this torrid seaside battle.  Its a back and forth struggle, and with time running out, we have time for one final play. 

The ball is snapped, Sanchez fades back to throw, and he releases a tight spiral towards my outstretched hands.  It looks like I'm going to be tackled just short of the end zone, and Giselle lets out a cry of joy from the sidelines.  BUT WAIT A SEC! ITS A HOOK AND LADDER TO MANGOLD! TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN!  Champagne pops, confetti flies, and Brian May plays a live instrumental version of We Are The Champions as we celebrate.  Mangold turns to me and says, "Brian, imagine if I didn't follow you on Twitter that random night in March last year."  We jump up in joy and the screen freezes then fades into a Leroy Neiman painting like at the end of Rocky 3.

Now Nick - you see what you could be missing out on here?

I was so close and I got stuffed on 4th and goal from the one. God Damn It.

God Damn It Person* of the Day - Fluorescent Lighting

 

Has anybody ever been in a situation where they were happy to see fluorescent lighting?  I'm talking about those long tube style ones with the opaque fly-filled screens over them, not the ones that light up sports stadiums.  I know its more cost effective, and I'm all for saving the environment by lowering energy use, but can we please just switch back to all soft-white bulbs?  I'll even take those new efficient LED bulbs that last for years.

Is there a single situation where one finds them self in a fluorescently lit room and feels relaxed and happy?  Has anyone ever looked good in a picture taken under fluorescent lighting?  My building ID picture makes me look like I just got picked up for soliciting prostitution from an undercover cop in the Florida panhandle.  I've found that the only time that I'm being lit by these droning tubes are in shitty situations, often accompanied by grime and second hand smoke.  To my knowledge, here are the spots that typically use fluorescent lighting from brightest to most dingy:

1.) Office buildings, dentist offices and hospitals
2.) Massive Wal-mart style stores and the DMV
3.) Bus stops and subway stations
4.) Toll booth plazas and guard booths
5.) Your friend's basement in high school where you went through your awkward stage in middle school
6.) Some crappy cabin you have to stay in on a high school "outdoorsy" team building trip
7.) Prison, the morgue or a police station
8.) Some shady gambling operation or OTB
9.) Solitary confinement in prison
10.) A room where Guantanamo detainees are tortured
11.) A room where US soldiers or CIA operatives are tortured in movies about the Middle East
12.) A room you wake up in when you're being held captive by a deranged serial killer and he plans on doing weird "medical experiments" or playing elaborate mind games
13.) A room you discover mutilated dead bodies in after some sort of ethnic cleansing

If I'm ever kidnapped and somehow I end up in a normal, well-lit room with some nice Ikea lamps and maybe even some high-hat recessed lighting I'm going to be completely thrown off.  If you wake up in the damp dirty concrete room with the dripping water noise and the blinking fluorescent lighting, at least you have some idea of what to expect and can prepare yourself. But if you wake up on a plump mattress with some nice GE 100 watt soft white bulbs you could be dealing with a sick type of mind, and without question there's going to be some weird sexual aspect forthcoming.  (side note: is it so much to ask these psychos to just grab a wrench and stop that leaking pipe? I mean just because they're deranged doesn't mean they wouldn't prefer increased water pressure and cheaper utilities right?)

Anyway, my point here is that fluorescent lights just bring about bad vibes and I think the we could improve the mood of billions by switching over to a bit softer lighting.  Bring an Al-Qaeda member to the chandelier section of Home Depot and I can almost guarantee he'll perk up and consider abandoning the struggle.  Otherwise we'll just remain slaves to the din of these neon assholes.  God Damn it.     

God Damn It Person Of The Day - Andy Rooney

60 Minutes is one of my favorite programs on television.  I find the stories to be awe-inspiring, hard-hitting, and most importantly, current.  After watching, I routinely feel like I'm showing up to work on Monday a little bit smarter and a little more up to speed with important world events.  However, I find that every week these feelings are almost always poisoned by Andy Rooney.

Let me preface by saying that I respect the hell out of Andy Rooney.  This guy began his career as a journalist for Stars and Stripes in World War II, was one of six correspondents who flew on the first American bombing raid over Germany, and was a daring maniac with far larger balls than I have.  When I hear those strange noises during a routine airplane takeoff, I nearly crap my pants but this guy was going up in giant propeller planes in 1942 and dodging flak and Nazi fighters with a pen and paper.  Yet, despite my respect for Mr. Forest Eyebrows over here, I maintain that his segment on 60 minutes is nothing more than the "god damn it" rantings of an aging lunatic who has no touch on the present and clings to a certain romanticism that hasn't existed since the 60's.

His segment this week was particularly ridiculous.  He starts by saying, "of all the good things in the world, books would be right near the top...I don't know who invented the printed word, but you'd have to put it ahead of some things, like the airplane, or jelly donuts."  Could you find me one person that would take the side of "jelly donuts" in a which is more important debate against the printed word?  Jelly donuts specifically! Not even just donuts!  Who even gets jelly donuts anyway these days?  The jelly donut is like the eighth or ninth pick in a dozen every time, usually picked just ahead of cinnamon-cake and "classic."  Hey Andy, the printed word has given us things like the Bible, the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence, those cool Dan Brown novels about Jesus,  Penthouse forum, the Communist Manifesto and the New York Times, I think we understand its impact.  Also, is Andy Rooney seriously comparing the Airplane's mere 80 years of existence against centuries of print?  I wish he had said "it's the greatest thing since sliced bread" as that is the single most dated expression of all time.  Seriously? Sliced bread is the litmus test by which we base the impact of innovation?  I had a loaf of unsliced french bread recently and I simply ripped a piece off.  I didn't find myself cursing the gods at the lack of slicing as I would be doing without things like the automobile, the Internet, the computer, or modern medicine.

Mr. Rooney, the author of such classics as Not That You Asked and Common Nonsense, continued his segment last night by saying how his friend in publishing told him recently that E-Books are now selling more than paperbacks, but he "he doubts that."  Excuse me Andy, you doubt that? Your entire segment is on the popularity of E-Books and your simply going to brush aside the most salient of statistics?!

Week in and week out, you can count on Andy Rooney to maintain his complete loss of reality.  Its always something like "when did kids start texting, what ever happened to writing letters?" or "when did this rap music become so popular, what ever happened to American Bandstand."  A quick survey of recent segments and asides include: Mr. Rooney's bewilderment with public modern art, his confusion over the fact that an average American like himself has never heard of Lady Gaga, how he doesn't sympathize with people who lose sleep over the economy since he can always sleep, how he can't believe post offices are closing since more people are using email, and my personal favorite, how he doesn't like the term "African-American" since the word "negro" was "a good word and a perfectly strong word" to call black people.  What should we bring back next Andy? Morse Code? Jim Crow?  I would not be remotely surprised if next week Andy Rooney said "I don't understand this American Justice system, what ever happened to Hammurabi's Code?"

Just once, I want to turn on 60 Minutes and hear Andy Rooney ask a normal, topical, and insightful question rather than wondering why sports teams are named after hawks and bulls instead of sheep or cows or why we have indoor plumbing when outhouses work perfectly well.  God damn it Andy Rooney, it's 2011, the Grapes of Wrath was written 70 years ago and cross country railroads are out of style, retire or get the net already.

PS - Can someone in the CBS makeup department suggest an eyebrow trim to this guy?

God Damn It Person Of The Day - The Smug Cheering Section at the Oscars Last Night

I'll take Melissa Leo's super annoying and awkward "I can't believe I won" look and use of the word "Golly" in her speech.  I'll take the crowd cheering on Kirk Douglas through a bit that went 10 minutes too long and bordered on painful to watch when he should never have been up there in the first place.  I'll take James Franco acting like he was too cool to host the Oscars even though HE WAS HOSTING THE OSCARS.  I'll take Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law laughing about their DUI and Prostitution arrests while children were watching.  I'll even take the King's Speech guy dedicating the Best Screenplay Oscar to stutterers around the world when it would have been way cooler to have Christopher Nolan dedicate his Oscar for Inception to all the dreamers out there, including those who dream to not stutter anymore.  But what I can not take is these smug Hollywood nincompoops cheering when the Inside Job directors mentioned that nobody has been thrown in jail from the 2008 financial crisis. 

I'm not going to get into who should be thrown and jail over the financial crisis and who shouldn't be because that's not the point of this blog.  The point is that everyone in that audience is probably friends with a guy who worked at Lehman or Bear Stearns, a ton of them surely invested money with one of many complicit investment banks or hedge funds and most importantly, most of them do not know a single person who's house was foreclosed on outside of Detroit.  We're talking about the largest concentration of smugness outside of Bono's bedroom here.  Kudos to these filmmakers as a.) I'm sure that their film was great and b.) they used their 5 minutes of exposure to draw light on something they care about, but God Damn It Hollywood, could you be more predictable and hypocritical?  You have Anne Hathaway wearing like $50k worth of dresses in one night while the audience suddenly seems aghast at the excess of Wall Street.  Sure, this may be a sweeping criticism of a large group and I'm sure many of these people are quite philanthropic, but don't pretend to be a sudden activist because the cameras are on, how fake can you get?  This is the same group who probably drove SUV's to the show where they cheered on Al Gore's global warming movie.  Shut up and focus on looking beautiful.  God Damn It.   

Some Random other thoughts on the Oscars:

- Hosting the Oscars should be like hosting the Superbowl, its better in warm weather, in a vibrant city, just like the Oscars are better hosted by a well seasoned comedian.  Miami or New Orleans.....Baldwin, Billy Crystal, or Steve Martin.  Franco and Hathaway were like Jacksonville, and nobody wants to go there.

-As terrible / creepy / uncomfortable as that Kirk Douglas thing was, he's still Kirk Douglas, and I wanted to kick Timberlake in the shins when he made fun of him.  Easy Timberlake, people still remember your stellar work in "Alpha Dog" and when you lived at that fat perverted boy band guy's house when you were like 15.

-Can we be done with Céline Marie Claudette Dion?  Titanic came out in 1997 and she's been holed-up at Caesars Palace in Vegas since 2003 with her pedophile ex-manager husband avoiding all shaving and daytime speaking.  Do you know her husband was 38 when they met and she was 12?  Celine, you're from Quebec, not France and you've lived in the US for like 20 years, enough with the heavy accent already.  Lastly, If we're going to go with a washed up Vegas-performer for the live performance of the death montage song, lets at least get someone sweet like Tom Jones, Carrot Top or Dani Gans' corpse.  Dennis Hopper would puke if he knew that he was remembered on national TV by someone whose second best song was "its all coming back to me now."

-What does Helena Bonham Carter actually look like?  Does she always look like a clay-mation character from a Tim Burton movie? I get that he is her husband, and he probably digs it, but come on, you're nominated for Best Supporting Actress, take a shower before you show up.

-Loved Aaron Sorkin just plowing through the play-off music without skipping a beat, I would rather hear him talk about anything then waste another moment of my life watching James Franco roll his eyes and be "artistic".

-Great subtle lesbian moment when the two male and one female Inception sound-mixer winners thanked their "wives".

-How badly did Spielberg look like he wanted to mention Saving Private Ryan, ET, Raiders of the Lost Ark, the Color Purple, or Munich when he was telling the nominated but won't win Best Picture candidates and how impressive of a list they will be joining?

-Lastly, the most under-appreciated man in the game is Christopher Nolan, just no love at all from the Academy for the Dark Knight or Inception (not including the technical stuff) and the guy is a perennial ace.

God Damn it Person of the Day - The Guy In First Class Who's Really Settled In

Whenever I board an airplane and head towards the back to find my seat in low class, I'm always amazed at how settled in the passengers in first class have managed to become in the mere 10 minutes they've been on the plane.  How do they do it?

I'm always sitting in or around the 3rd to last row, so I'm usually in the first group to board after the high-rollers, orthodox jews (always have like 5 kids and 3 strollers), and "old" people who get that bullshit pre-boarding.  (side note:  the "old" person pre-boarding is complete malarkey, just because you're on the other side of 60 doesn't make it that hard to board a plane especially given how fit these 60 year-olds are these days. They already get cheap movie tickets and those sweet Sopranos-style sweat suits you get to wear in those over 55 only sex communities in Florida, they can wait until zone 2 is called to board).

Anyway, so I'm doing that awkward sideways walk down the aisle so I can push my carry on with my knee and not smack people in the face with my backpack, and there are these judgmental assholes sitting there sipping orange juice and reading the newspaper with their shoes off.  They're just lounging around with no cares in the world, and making absolutely zero eye contact with the heathens heading back towards Steerage.  They're propped up in their double wide thrones and probably looking for a honey moon couple to invoke their right of primae noctis on.

It routinely takes me a solid ten to fifteen minutes on a plane before I settle in.  I have to make sure I've optimized my leg room by snaking more than my allotted amount of overhead bin space, done a quick terrorist sweep, checked my nearest exits in case of a never going to happen water landing, and read the airline magazine to check the movie so I can decide what my next three hours look like before committing to a book or magazine.  Yet, I get on the plane and there is some guy in a crisp suit and tie with a full work spread, reading notes and building models on his Sony Viao laptop with wireless internet.  We get it bro, you work hard, you can afford first class, why dont you sit back, wait until take off, eat your overrated airplane food and stop being such a douche.  God Damn It.

God Damn It Person of the Day - Tourists Who Take Forever To Pay For Cabs

Everyday I encounter people I like to call God Damn It people.  These are people who fill their own stereotype in such an annoying, textbook and frustrating way that you have no response but to shake your head and say "God Damn It".  It works for members of your own people too.  Like if a Jewish kid from Long Island were to say "all I do is smoke blunts and play beer pong," I would have no response but to shake my head and say "God Damn It".

Today's God Damn It person of the day is the tourist who takes 10 minutes to pay for a cab.

Here's the situation: you're late to work, or the airport, or a train, at an annoying hour of the day, and there are no cabs.  Oh cabs are coming by, but they're full, and you say to yourself, "where the fuck did all these people get these cabs if  I've been staring down 6th Avenue for 20 minutes and I haven't seen a single light?" But then the miracle happens, someone has miraculously chosen your pickup point as their destination.  The cab pulls up and some fat woman in a mickey mouse print shirt with a fanny pack sits there for the next 8 minutes trying to figure out the credit card machine while you freeze your nuts off.  The technology is simple enough, you select the credit card option, the tip and then you swipe.  It works like every credit card machine has since 1987 across the entirety of the United States.  You've had the entire trip to consider your tip, select your credit card, and make a god damn decision.  But no, you feel the need to take your time, slowly peruse your options, only to change your mind on the $1.18 tip three times.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting out here, and all of a sudden unoccupied cabs suddenly start whizzing by, but I can't take them.  Why?  because I'm pot committed now, and I'm going to wait until this tourist from South Dakota figures out the miracles of modern day technology before she gets out to wait in line for tickets to the matinee performance of "Spamalot."  Oh and don't give me the "this crazy technology never works right"  look as you get out, I watched the entire thing go down.  You clicked cash, then clicked back, then got declined.  If your traveling on a fixed budget, take the fucking subway, its not rocket science down there either.  God Damn It.