God Damn It Person Of The Day - Andy Rooney

60 Minutes is one of my favorite programs on television.  I find the stories to be awe-inspiring, hard-hitting, and most importantly, current.  After watching, I routinely feel like I'm showing up to work on Monday a little bit smarter and a little more up to speed with important world events.  However, I find that every week these feelings are almost always poisoned by Andy Rooney.

Let me preface by saying that I respect the hell out of Andy Rooney.  This guy began his career as a journalist for Stars and Stripes in World War II, was one of six correspondents who flew on the first American bombing raid over Germany, and was a daring maniac with far larger balls than I have.  When I hear those strange noises during a routine airplane takeoff, I nearly crap my pants but this guy was going up in giant propeller planes in 1942 and dodging flak and Nazi fighters with a pen and paper.  Yet, despite my respect for Mr. Forest Eyebrows over here, I maintain that his segment on 60 minutes is nothing more than the "god damn it" rantings of an aging lunatic who has no touch on the present and clings to a certain romanticism that hasn't existed since the 60's.

His segment this week was particularly ridiculous.  He starts by saying, "of all the good things in the world, books would be right near the top...I don't know who invented the printed word, but you'd have to put it ahead of some things, like the airplane, or jelly donuts."  Could you find me one person that would take the side of "jelly donuts" in a which is more important debate against the printed word?  Jelly donuts specifically! Not even just donuts!  Who even gets jelly donuts anyway these days?  The jelly donut is like the eighth or ninth pick in a dozen every time, usually picked just ahead of cinnamon-cake and "classic."  Hey Andy, the printed word has given us things like the Bible, the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence, those cool Dan Brown novels about Jesus,  Penthouse forum, the Communist Manifesto and the New York Times, I think we understand its impact.  Also, is Andy Rooney seriously comparing the Airplane's mere 80 years of existence against centuries of print?  I wish he had said "it's the greatest thing since sliced bread" as that is the single most dated expression of all time.  Seriously? Sliced bread is the litmus test by which we base the impact of innovation?  I had a loaf of unsliced french bread recently and I simply ripped a piece off.  I didn't find myself cursing the gods at the lack of slicing as I would be doing without things like the automobile, the Internet, the computer, or modern medicine.

Mr. Rooney, the author of such classics as Not That You Asked and Common Nonsense, continued his segment last night by saying how his friend in publishing told him recently that E-Books are now selling more than paperbacks, but he "he doubts that."  Excuse me Andy, you doubt that? Your entire segment is on the popularity of E-Books and your simply going to brush aside the most salient of statistics?!

Week in and week out, you can count on Andy Rooney to maintain his complete loss of reality.  Its always something like "when did kids start texting, what ever happened to writing letters?" or "when did this rap music become so popular, what ever happened to American Bandstand."  A quick survey of recent segments and asides include: Mr. Rooney's bewilderment with public modern art, his confusion over the fact that an average American like himself has never heard of Lady Gaga, how he doesn't sympathize with people who lose sleep over the economy since he can always sleep, how he can't believe post offices are closing since more people are using email, and my personal favorite, how he doesn't like the term "African-American" since the word "negro" was "a good word and a perfectly strong word" to call black people.  What should we bring back next Andy? Morse Code? Jim Crow?  I would not be remotely surprised if next week Andy Rooney said "I don't understand this American Justice system, what ever happened to Hammurabi's Code?"

Just once, I want to turn on 60 Minutes and hear Andy Rooney ask a normal, topical, and insightful question rather than wondering why sports teams are named after hawks and bulls instead of sheep or cows or why we have indoor plumbing when outhouses work perfectly well.  God damn it Andy Rooney, it's 2011, the Grapes of Wrath was written 70 years ago and cross country railroads are out of style, retire or get the net already.

PS - Can someone in the CBS makeup department suggest an eyebrow trim to this guy?